My bookbag weighed at LEAST ten pounds, I had to make it from one end of the campus to the complete opposite end in 15 minutes, got to class 3 minutes late, had the very last seat in the room, couldn't see the professor or the board, followed only by ear, finally got back to the dorm with incredibly sore calves only to find that my student ID is lost, nothing gives a clear explanation of the shuttle times or where they depart from. I want to say F my life... but I have a peace in God. He's gotten me through thicker forests than this and I know he's got an amazing plan.
I'm going to fight my way through this, no way am I giving this big of a dream up!!

I've ALWAYS wanted to go away, far away, for college. And I always considered my near and dear ones, and how unselfish people give up their dreams to stay with the people they love. But I figured it was too soon in my life to make those kind of huge choices: stay or go for it.
I guess I just never considered MY side... you know, the part where I'm left alone too. I don't want to say I have regrets, it's too soon for that too. But this is the first hour being truly ALONE. I never understood alone-ness, not till now. There is quite literally no familiar face that I can sit down in front of and feel understood when I talk to. Damn, I have to build these incredibly trusting relationships all over and get a good education at the same time!
Life is exhausting. But I chose this. I need to keep reminding myself of that, cause now, if I fail I'm failing myself. I also need to keep myself excited for this. If I'm energetic and pumped for it, it'll be soo much easier to be successful. Constant prayer and self discipline are going to be my best friends for the next six months.

I hate myself for this

so... I, like a few other strange book nerds, began reading the twilight series before the movies because the cover and the synopsis on the inside of the front cover intrigued me. And i mean, a good two years or more before the movies... and I, inevitably, as a teenager, fell in love. However, I had a very realistic opinion of my twilight infatuation and I hated myself for loving Edward Cullen. He was everything so typically perfect and Bella was everything so boringly normal that no poor helpless girl could avoid idolizing the whole situation.

Truthfully, NO ONE would stick around with Edward Cullen. He's faar too possessive, he can never let Bella do anything on her own, he's impulsive, he WATCHED her SLEEP for a month before knowing her, and I just don't believe he'd be any heartthrob in real life.

Yet, I continue, as an adult, to read the books, to see the movies, to swoon when Robert Pattinson delivers those tragically romantic lines and to what avail? to further skew my vision of the standards a guy should live up to? No real-life male is going to have 19th century manners, quote renowned and long-dead authors, own nothing but records of classical music, be ever attentive to your every movement, or sparkle in the sunlight!! Twilight is just as bad for men as fashion magazines with flawless models are for women.

What must it have been like in the Garden of Eden when Adam looked at Eve and Eve opened her eyes to Adam and the both of them saw each other as the individuals they are and loved one another without any preconceived expectations? Oh right, it was perfect.

Makes our sad attempts to love each other look pathetic. We give to each other just a little and then wait to receive something in return before giving more. We seek affection for our own self-esteem and forget or neglect to build our partners up. We mistake physical attraction for love. We base attraction on superficial things, understand that mistake, but continue to be shallow.

I believe in love, but I don't know if true love can exist in our world. I think we're just partnering up because we all need a teammate ... do we even understand love? It's really late (for me) and i'm only getting more tired and progressively less coherent and I've gone from twilight to the begininnig of the world and I'm going to bed now. I'm not an anti-love narcissist ... i just have cynical tendancies when I think too much.